'a summer road trip has the potential to be either the best or worst experience of your life. if you happen to get stuck in between your chubby buddy and the friend with a stinky fungal infection in a car without air conditioning, its not going to be pleasant. however, with a bit of knowhow, you could have the wind blowing through your hair while you hum along to your new favourite mix tape without a care in the world. to help you on your way, here's our list of road trip must haves.
WHEELS: we're assuming you have a car but if you don't, a borrowed vehicle can be a holiday in itself.
air conditioning is great but you'll probably have the windows down. stereos are nice but if the sound's too good you'll feel like youre in a Just Jeans ad.
cruise control is actually awesome but only if you don't talk about it. before you leave, remember to check the oil, water and tyres. this makes you look cool.
CREW: having friends that can actually be bothered doing something is rare, but that doesn't mean you should take just anybody.
firstly, at least two of you should be able to drive. driving all by yourself makes you the bitch. you and your buddy doing all the driving makes you part of an awesome two-person gang that pretty much rules the car. three people driving is like having three parents: weird.
relegate the slower of the three to the back seat.
if you're a guy, girls can make or break a long drive. the good ones are relaxed, enthusiastic and look so cute and resilient walking out of a dirty truck stop toilet that it makes you want to buy a caravan and drift with them for the rest of your lives.
the bad ones talk incessantly which is shit because most guys won'te tell a girl to shut the hell up.
SNACKS: the food of the highway is beef jerky but to break things up, anything sold in the general shelf area of jerky is also fine.
NORMAL SUNGLASSES, STUPID SHORTS: on the highway, stupid fashion glasses are like red flags for truckies and they can literally get you run off the road. conversely, nothing makes you feel more alive than pulling into a truck stop knowing you have to get out in your ridiculously short shorts.
and the more verbal shit you cop from country types, the more ammo you'll have when you get back to the city.
MUSIC: music is second only to petrol. the only thing to avoid is having too much choice. two hours of recorded music forms an underlying theme that will forever remind you of the awesome time you had. anything more and you may as well put the radio on.
CONVERSATION: apart from talking about who in your group of friends you'd most like to do, other valid topics include politics, high school, as well as tricky philosophical type questions. some eg.s: what would you rather punch in the face: a baby kitten or a baby puppy ? how much would you have to be paid to break your own leg ? or, which would you prefer to be: blind or a dwarf ?
MAPS: one of your friends will inevitably make the claim that getting lost is half the fun of a road trip.
this friend is not to drive.
send him or her to the backseat and bring a goddam map.
the best types of maps are professionally printed and come either in a bound edition, or as an intricately folded sheet of paper. the worst types of maps are drawn in pen on the back of your electricity bill.
MISCELLANEOUS: money - and we mean everyone in the car people ! petrol, food and accommodation costs must be shared. sun cream - getting burned and having to swim in a kaftan for the rest of the holiday is not a good time.
toilet paper - for everyone's sake.'
- Royce Akers, Summer Guide presented by VICE.
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'Derek Riley has put out many of the magazines that get all uber nerdy about surfing; like Stab and Waves. he's also dabbled in porn but that's another story. right here are derek's rules of the beach.
the beach gets nothing but good press. it represents everything we yearn for: heat, sex and escape in a world where lives are lived panting on a hamster wheel. in real life, however, the beach can be a coming together of frustrated men, exhibitionist women and tearful children. the sand annoys; the surf itches; the sun burns.
but since it's not going to keep you away, here's how to shine like a diamond on the sand.
1. overly long or short male swimsuits. you don't want either. leave the ankle-length boardshorts, awash with the embroidery of tweenie Vietnamese fingers, to surfers caught in a nineties fashion trap and lycra shorties for the hairless boys trawling the dunes.
2. pointless ball games. did you read the pack when you bought your made in Israel bat and ball game ? if you read the instructions closely, it reminds you that it is only to be played by cute girls with bubble butts, accents and a military background. not hoary, horny men.
3. willfully swimming outta the flags. if there's anything that gets a lifeguard twitching his pecs, its tough guys diving into rips.
sure, you might be handy in the water (and the women sure do love an explosion of butterfly) but nothing else has the power to embarrass like a lifeguard, sitting on his quad bike, barking insults at you through his megaphone while everyone oohs and ahhs at you being 'saved'. you can't fight city hall, buster.
4. screaming like a girl when a bluebottle gits ya. that includes girls.
it's not a box jellyfish, see, and the only thing you can lose is your dignity. peel off the blue tentacle, scoop some ice out of that cocktail, and rub, rub, rub.
5. a poor hair removal regime. girls, this is not a nice look. boys, you look like the personification of a deforested Amazon. whiskers live on faces and ideally not chests, backs or asses.
6. that big tent. you got kids. nice. love them for they precious gems.
it doesn't mean you have to house them in the Taj Mahal.
7. the second look. it's not uncommon when on the beach you sight someone so genetically blessed that it's impossible not to look. the mystery of the horizontal body, coupled with a hand-span of nylon is a difficult sight to resist.
look, but look only once. look twice, and you'll spend the rest of the day on the sand as 'the freaky pervy dude.'
8. that expensive SLR isn't fooling anyone. you're looking for tit-eez old man.
put it away and console yourself with this - even a Leica is no match for the imaginary powers of the human brain.
9. hey, i'll learn to surf. the sport of surfing is as frustrating as golf and as potentially dangerous as pistol shooting.
you don't surf now? don't start.
10. black sunglasses. if you're the kind of person who has trouble with #7 then these babies will save your life.'
- Derek Riley, 10 Ways to Not Look Like a Dick at the Beach.
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(Stan meets the Goth kids - from the South Park episode 'Raisins'):
Fringe-Flicking Goth Kid: life is pain..life is only pain (flicks fringe). we're all taught to believe in happy fairy tale endings (flicks fringe), but there's only blackness; dark, depressing loneliness that (flicks fringe) eats at your soul.
Goth Leader: who needs that Ken and Barbie love anyway ? everyone's just walking around like a bunch of conformists. go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make $34,000 a year and buy your condominium.
they're all zombies and racing to their graves. love didn't work for my mum and dad, why should it work for me?
Henrietta: my dad is such an asshole. drunken bastard doesn't even know i exist, but then he won't let me go to the Skinny Puppy concert because my heroine addict aunt is coming over (takes a hit of pot). dinner ? that's a laugh, just an excuse for my mum to bitch at me for not wearing girlie clothes like all the other Britney Spears wannabes at the school (takes another hit).
Kinder Goth: they're all a bunch of Nazi, conformist cheerleaders.
Stan: but if life is only pain, then what's the point in living ?
Fringe-Flicking Goth Kid: just to make life more miserable for the conformists (flicks fringe).
Stan: alright, so how do i join you ?
Goth Leader: if you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.
Stan: ..kay..
'no matter whether how you see yourself is different to how you actually behave, it doesn't change the fact that over 90% of people who voted in our multi-choice poll recently believed that the statement 'i prefer to be different and not conform' best describes themselves.
this suggests that, at least amongst Dumbo Feather readers, people generally see themselves as nonconformist. perhaps they truly are or perhaps they are actually like the Goth kids in South Park who, in trying so hard not to conform, end up being as similar to each other as the despised conformists are.
i too thought i was relatively nonconformist until i was recently alerted to Christian Lander's acerbic and hugely popular blog, 'What White People Like'. i read post after post in horror. i too prefer to shop at farmer's markets, my computer of choice is a Mac, i love coffee, the term 'vintage' would describe over 60% of my wardrobe and like nothing better to 'get away from it all' camping.
i suspect that rather than being either conformist or not, most of us are actually individualists like Amy who made the comment, 'i voted that i prefer to be different but i think what i actually meant is that i prefer to be myself. i wouldn't go out of my way to try to be different or stand out from the crowd, but if it happens when i'm doing my own thing that's generally ok with me.'
Amy then added a post-script, 'unless there is karaoke involved - then i would prefer not to stand out from the crowd !' Amy, i'm with you all the way.
- Kate Bezar, Issue 22:Dumbo Feather, Pass it On..
